Oh, what heights we'll hit...

Yep, it's that time of year again, treasured readers: the Annual-If-I-Actually-Decide-To-Do-One-Next-Year Academy Awards Running Diary. (I was obliged to embed that video up top for three reasons: my first Oscar post incorporated those lyrics, and I'm nothing if not a slave to tradition; it's one of my fave Seinfeld moments; and everything I know about anything, including Hollywood, before the 1960s comes from Looney Tunes.)

As the year progresses, I always forget how much I love the Academy Awards. Most of the time, I never even manage to see the movies that garner the most nominations, but it's still a fun show. (Disclosure: I actually saw Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, and, obviously, The Dark Night. I also saw Step Brothers, Role Models, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. So, that should tell you a little something about my cinematic sensibilities.) Anyway, if you care to read my instantaneously conceived gut reactions to this year's show, venture forth!

8:31 Ah, Hugh Jackman is the host. I’m a huge Hugh Jackman guy.

8:39 See? 7 minutes in, and Hugh Jackman has knocked the whole house down. He’s the best! I saw him a few years ago in The Boy from Oz on Broadway. My mom is a huge Peter Allen gal, and she actually got Jackman's autograph on her program after the show. Anyway, long story short, he was a delight in that show. Just like tonight!

8:41 Fifteen Oscar nominations for Meryl Streep. Wow. Did you know she’s from Jersey? Like all good things. So is Anne Hathaway.

8:43 My roommate just noticed that Tilda Swinton is wearing a Snuggie. I can’t argue with that observation.

8:45 Whoopi Goldberg is riffing on Sister Act and Sister Act 2. I love it!

8:55 I can’t decide if this way they present best screenplay (with the presenters reading stage directions out loud) is dopey or brilliant. I mean, for one thing, it’s interesting to see exactly how much of a given film actually comes from the mind of a writer. For another thing, some of the stuff that screen writers write isn’t very interesting to read when you’re already watching the action on the screen.

9:09 Best animated short. Good time to hit the bathroom.

9:10 Good thing I was only being snarky up there and not actually going to the bathroom! The guy that accepted the award said “Domo arrigato, Mr. Roboto.” Bravo, sir.

9:20 Ok, I’m gonna say it once: I haven’t seen it, but I resent that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button even got made. On the list of Scott Fitzgerald stories that need to be made into epic, Oscar-caliber movies, Benjamin Button is waaaaaay down there. This Side of Paradise, anyone? How many nonsense bildungsromans get made every year that are written by schmos and aren’t half the quality of This Side of Paradise? And if we’re going to talk about short stories, what about The Diamond as Big as the Ritz? It’s got suspense! It’s got thrills! It’s got sweeping landscapes! It’s got drama! Get your act together, Hollywood, and toss us English majors a bone.

9:32 Is it in good taste for Ben Stiller to be making fun of Joaquin Phoenix? Like, what if he’s actually ill? Or addicted to drugs?

9:58 Hey, Baz Lurman designed that last musical number. Good to see he’s getting work. His Romeo + Juliet was stinktown, but Moulin Rouge remains one of my all-time favorites.

10:04 Are Josh Brolin and Diane Lane together? I gotta tell you, I like that couple.

10:07 Supporting actor is a good category this year. These other guys have to be kicking themselves that they’re competing against Heath Ledger.

10:08 There we go. Perhaps the foregoniest of foregone conclusions.

10:16 Whoa! Who is this French dude? He’s doing magic tricks! He’s balancing Oscars on his chin! Somebody hook him up with the Mr. Roboto guy and see what happens.

10:27 Benjamin Button won for digital effects? Give me a break. This category was invented so that popular movies that people like can win Oscars. Then again, maybe I should see the movie before I complain any more. I mean, it might actually be good.

10:46 Jerry Lewis doesn’t look too bad. Good for him.

10:55 I think I would like Alicia Keys to read aloud to me. That voice!

11:02 Ok, my battery is running out. If anything preposterous happens, I’ll do my best to retroactively record my bitingly sarcastic observations.

um, approximately 58 minutes hence: Looks like everything played out the way it should have. Although I was definitely rooting for Frank Langella (the pride of Bayonne) or Richard Jenkins (starred in a movie directed by Boston College graduate Tom McCarthy) to win best actor, I can't complain about Sean Penn. Especially considering I actually saw the movie he was in.

Dangerous, Dirty, and Updated: So I just read in Salon's Oscar recap that the French guy I referred to before was actually high-wire walker Phillipe Petit, the subject of the winning documentary, Man on Wire, which explains why he was able to so deftly balance the Oscar statue on his chin. (Sorry, I wasn't really paying attention to the documentary categories. What a bad documenter of the Oscars I am.) Apparently, Petit wasn't actually supposed to be on stage; not because he's a crazed lunatic, which was my original instinct, but because of the Academy's strict rules for who can be on stage to accept an award. I'm glad he decided to buck the system!