New feature: Classic DD&U

So since my old .mac site doesn't exist any more, and I feel that it's cruel to deprive you, my treasured readers, of a significant part of my oeuvre (and in a blatant attempt to increase my posts-per-month stats), I've decided to occasionally re-post some of those old Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun entries. After tonight, I'll do them in chronological order, but by special request, here's a food-related post from last year.



Chipotle = teh suck
Saturday, February 9, 2008

Yeah, I haven’t posted in a while. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?

A Chipotle opened in Cleveland Circle, down the street from where I work. Judging from the lines that I’ve seen in the past few days since the grand opening, it seems that people are thrilled about this development. Indeed, burrito proliferation is on the march in the Hub of the Universe, to the point that Boston Magazine ran a trend piece this past December.

Burritos might be the new national sensation, but in Boston, we’ve had our own transcendently awesome burrito mongers here for years: Anna’s Taqueria. I’m an Anna’s partisan, and I have no shame saying it. I have a friend from Minnesota who, for the longest time, has insisted that not only is Chipotle awesome, but it’s better than Anna’s. I had never eaten a burrito from Chipotle, but like a true zealot, I had faith without experience: no burrito could be better than an Anna’s burrito. Once Chipotle opened a week and a half ago, I knew I would have my chance to validate my unshakable belief in Anna’s.

As you can tell from the title of this post, Chipotle doesn’t even come close, and I’ll enumerate those reasons below. Two pieces of disclosure: firstly, there’s a written record of my Anna’s devotion, including some rather . . . blasphemous language. Secondly, as I was eating my Chipotle burrito, I kinda ate some of the foil it was wrapped in. While that may have affected the eating experience slightly, you can rest assured that my palate is sophisticated enough to tell the difference between a good burrito and a not so good burrito. On to the critique.

1. The line
I understand that in the first week that a much-anticipated new eatery has been open, novelty alone will make for long lines. However, comma, the way that Chipotle is set up doesn’t bode well for hasty queue movement. Essentially, there’s a person manning a station for every possible element of the burrito. The assembly line is a good idea in some instances; you wouldn’t want just one guy building your Model T, for instance. But for a burrito, there’s a lot of time wasted by passing it from one set of hands to the next. At Anna’s, you’ve got one guy running the tortilla steamer, one guy making the burrito, and one guy at the register. Bing, bang, boom.

2. The cheese
Umm, you have to choose either sour cream OR cheese? What is this, Soviet Russia? How about sour cream AND cheese? And then if you choose cheese, it’s added at the end of the burrito making process, as opposed to the very beginning. At Anna’s your cheese is on your tortilla when it goes into the steamer, making it melty and delicious.

3. The meat
I got a carnitas burrito. Honestly, I found it to be dry and not as tender as it could be. There’s something to be said for having whole pieces of pork that are cut up, made to order.

4. The rice
In a word, uninspired. It had a good moisture and texture, but it added nothing to the picture. Anna’s rice is cooked with chicken broth, and it makes all the difference. In a regular burrito, the rice is there as a space filler. In an Anna’s burrito, it’s a valued addition. Tasty, too!

5. The beans
Pinto beans: check. Black beans: check. Refried beans: no check! How are you gonna offer burritos to the consumer, and not have refried beans available? It’s almost unspeakable. Add to that the fact that the pinto beans were a little gritty, and you’ve got a burrito dealer that doesn’t know beans about beans.

6. The salsa
More cilantro, please.

7. The fixings
Of all the crimes perpetrated on the burrito by Chipotle, this one may be the most heinous: where are the jalepenos? ’Penos might not be for everybody, but at least give the people a choice! I’m actually getting worked up over here.

8. The guacamole
I don’t even like guacamole, but as a burrito evangelist, I feel the need to defend my brothers and sister who do. Here’s the problem: it costs $1.75! What are those avocados made of, gold? What a racket!

9. The wrap
An Anna’s burrito is deftly wrapped up, and so tight that every second you hold it is spent in mortal fear that it will burst and explode all over you. My Chipotle burrito was loose and floppy. Loose and floppy = messy!

In closing, I’ll paraphrase Rick James: I wish I had four hands, so I could give Chipotle four thumbs down. If one lived in a desolate wasteland, where there were no burritos for 100 miles, I can understand why Chipotle has an appeal. But here in Boston, we’ve got Anna’s, a taqueria that makes what can only be described as the Platonic ideal of a burrito. I won’t be switching.