This is it, precious readers. The season finale of Gossip Girl. I’m already envisioning the jealousy my future self will have for my past self, after I (will have?) realize(d?) the long, sorrowful months we’ll have to wait before a new season.
Quick housekeeping note: it’s currently 8:02 and I’m waiting for my friend meg to come by and watch, so the timestamps will be a little off for this week’s diary. Like anyone pays attention to the timestamps. Or even reads this stupid blog for jerks!
8:06 So Meg just showed up!
8:07 Serena's mugshot, on the cover of the Daily News? As the sole story? Get the hell outta here. If A-Rod in a gimp suit punched a puppy with Mayor Bloomberg recording it on his webcam, it wouldn't be the only story on the front page of the Daily News.
I secretly love when the characters talk about Gossip Girl. Remember when we actually cared about the identity of Gossip Girl? Like that makes any difference whatsoever.
Good question, posed by my pal: Why the hell is Serena wearing that blue dress to brunch?
8:09 Is V wearing makeup? Has she always done that? She seems a little less pretty.
And remember when this show was like, about Dan?
8:11 Wouldn’t it be fun if J were the queen . . . J? And did they cast a girl that looks and sounds like a rat, with creases under her eyes, to be Jenny’s rival on purpose? Of course.
Has there been any indication ever that St. Jude’s colors were blue, and Constance was green? Not that it matters. It just seems a little out of nowhere.
When did Lily Rhodes’s eyes change color? Let’s talk about that.
And why isn’t Serena wearing her mortarboard? Even the headmistress is wearing one!
And what happened to poppy and Gabriel! Shouldn’t that be like, the first thing that we’re presented with on this dopey show?
And why can’t I start a sentence without a conjunction? And why am I only asking questions?
8:17 GG tosses some relatively innocuous barbs at the gang, and now they’re all pissed and ready to take action? If only they put this type of conviction into bringing down poppy and Gabriel . . .
Grandpa seems pretty switched on by Nate’s story. Effing creep.
8:19 Serena here reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons, where Krusty becomes an edgy comic, and Homer wants him to start bagging on pants. “Can you believe Gossip Girl,” she asks. “Don’t you hate pants?” Homer wails.
Shouldn’t Nate, S, B, and Chuck have a dopey canine sidekick with them?
Jonathan? That seems anticlimactic.
8:23 Back at live TV. And Jonathan “hacked into” her server? Anticlimactic and beyond a reasonable suspension of disbelief. This is GG at its best.
It’s ok for me to conflate Rufus Humphrey and Butch Walker, right? That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?
8:25 This is a legitimate question: what’s up with the yellow-label South American beer that these people are always getting in Brooklyn? Garrett Oliver couldn’t spring for a product placement?
8:28 This all reminds of how poorly they handled Jack Bass’s character. He could have offered us fun and excitement for seasons! Instead, he was dispensed with in a few episodes. Bad job by you, writers.
8:30 Oh boy. Are they now gonna burn the Gossip Girl (unitalicized) bridge like they burned the Jack and Ms. Carr bridge?
8:35 This is sort of like that episode of the Twilight Zone, where there’s that cocktail party where everyone puts on the masks that are supposed to mirror their souls. And then they can’t take the masks off, so they have to look as rotten as they really are, forever. You know, with the “labels” gimmick. That made sense when I started typing, I swear.
How many more times is B gonna go back to the Chuck Basswell? It’s getting tiresome!
8:37 Are Rufus and Lily gonna get married baked? Maybe they’re more like their idiot kids than they appreciate.
Also, remember when Serena and Nate had sex?
Speaking of beyond a reasonable suspension of disbelief: Serena ever outsmarting Gossip Girl.
8:45 "You can’t make people love you, but you can make them fear you." That’s some cold stuff there, B.
“Whoa whoa whoa, Dan is Gossip Girl?” Oh Nate. This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where the family goes to the magic show, and Marge gets put into the Killotine, and transforms into a bunch of monkeys. “So she was made of chimps,” Homer realizes.
8:47 Okay, I’m an idiot, because I actually got a tiny twinge of excitement thinking they’d reveal Gossip Girl’s identity. What a moron. I mean, really. Who could it possibly be that would make any sense at all!
8:50 Don’t these people EVER wear t-shirts?
No, seriously, what happened to Poppy and Gabriel?
8:53 That’s your brother, Dan! It's Scott!
8:55 So, Scott transferred FROM bu, which is good, because it means there’s one less bu student, even if he’s fictional. And it makes sense that to signify that Scott is from Boston, they would pick bu. Because why would ANYONE transfer out of the other Boston school.
8:59 Am I an idiot, or did that “Carter looking for Serena’s dad” thing come out of nowhere? Here's a hint, S: he's the DB that the girl from American Dreams beat up last episode.
9:00 Meh. So this episode ends with the writers realizing that A) we need a plotline to extend into next season, so let's pretend that S gives an F about who her dad is, and B) we need to wrap up that huge plotline with Poppy and Gabriel stealing everyone's money; let's do it off-screen! Does anyone remember how heart-wrenching last year's finale was? When Dan and Serena broke up, and it actually meant something? It was pitch perfect! Blah. Soothe yourself with this young lady's soulful and earnest cover of Death Cab's "The Ice Is Getting Thinner."
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