Suffering from bracketosis

Does anyone feel confident with any pick they could possibly make in this NCAA tournament? No? I thought so.

I really have no clue, so let's go through this thing together. I'll start off by going through the 32 games of the first round, and, if I'm not exhausted by the end, we'll do the rest of the tournament.
A few guiding principles:

1) Obviously, as a dude, I have a working knowledge of college basketball, so my first instinct will be to fall back on thatwhen making a pick. But I'm no expert, so in the event that I'm stumped, I'll pick based on criterion number...
B) Which team's state ratified the Constitution first? (sorry, University of Alaska-Fairbanks). However, comma, we can all imagine a situation where two teams from the same state face off (like that much anticipated Old Dominion-Virginia Commonwealth matchup), so if that happens, we'll move to our final criterion...
3) Which team's mascot would lose in a vicious, no-holds barred street brawl? The reason I say "lose" is twofold: firstly, the whole "pick the mascot that would win in a fight thing" is hackneyed and trite, and if there's one thing I ain't, it's hackneyed and trite (says the twentysomething male writing a blog about his NCAA tournament picks). Secondly, imagine if Kansas played Kentucky. Would you really feel comfortable picking the Wildcats over the Jayhawks? The law of the jungle says you should, but the law of the hardwood says you'd be an idiot. I'm sure there's just as many conflicts the other way, but I have confidence in my Constitution-based picking mechanism.

On with the picks. Let's start with the Midwest, shall we?

1 Florida v. 16 Jackson State - Normally, my "If a school's state was conquered by the guy that the other school is named after" corollary applies, but in this case, it's superceded by the "You'd sooner see Abraham Lincoln ride into your bedroom on a rhinoceros than see a 16 beat a 1" postulate. Sorry, JSU. The pick: Florida

8 Arizona v. 9 Purdue - Hall of Fame coach versus a 9 seed that everyone admits comes from a crummy conference? You do the math. The pick: Arizona

5 Butler v. 12 Old Dominion - I remember a couple years ago when BC got jerked out of being in the tournament, but crappy Butler got in. Vengeance is mine! The pick: Old Dominion

4 Maryland v. 13 Davidson - Before we moved to the Atlantic Coast Conference, I was a big Maryland guy. They deserve my love. This one is for you, Big Kahuna. The pick: Maryland

6 Notre Dame v. 11 Winthrop - Everyone is saying that Winthrop could be this year's George Mason. My question is: does anyone remember who George Mason was "this year's" version of? I forget. And I think that means something. The pick: Notre Dame

3 Oregon v. 14 Miami (Ohio) - There's a Miami in Ohio? I guess you really do learn something every day. The pick: Oregon

7 University of Nevada-Las Vegas v. 10 Georgia Tech - A team I never pay attention to versus a team that I forgot was in the ACC until we played them in our last game of the season? Georgia Tech might be a 10-seed, but its state is a 4-seed in the Entering the Union tournament. The pick: Georgia Tech

2 Wisconsin v. 15 Texas Agricultural and Mechanical University-Corpus Christi - TAMU-CC is a nice little story, but the clock is striking midnight for this Cinderella (ugh...punch me in the face). The pick: Wisconsin

West

1 Kansas v. 16 Play-In U - Move along, folks. Nothing to see here. The pick: Kansas

8 Kentucky v. 9 Villanova - I think these guys are going to win at least one game for Tubby Smith's job. He won a national championship, people! The pick: Kentucky

5 Virginia Tech v. 12 Illinois - As my roommate just said, Virginia Tech is a very inconsistent team...just like every other team in the damn tournament. I'll pick against the team reeling from the loss of its racist mascot any day of the week. The pick: Virginia Tech

4 Southern Illinois v. 13 Holy Cross - Southern Illinois is a 4, and Virginia Tech is a 5? Did I miss something? Virginia Tech is like, a real team. Irregardless, I can't, in good conscience, pick Holy Cross for anything (unless it's a "Failing to emerge from BC's shadow" contest. Zing!) The pick: Southern Illinois

6 Duke v. 11 Virginia Commonwealth University - Picking against Duke is the trendy choice here. I'm not one to go with the trends, but come on. Duke sucked this year. And I need another upset. The pick: VCU

3 Pittsburgh v. 14 Wright State - I'm sorry, Wright State. I don't even know where you are. The pick: Pittsburgh

7 Indiana v. 10 Gonzaga - I'd love to pick another upset over here, but didn't Gonzaga just lose a guy because he used drugs? Now I'm the one who is upset. The pick: Indiana

2 University of California-Los Angeles v. 15 Weber State - Ho-hum. The pick: UCLA

Ok, I'm getting a little tired. I'm going to watch some TV and come back to finish. Stay tuned.