Gossip Girl thinks there are as many orphanages in Boston as there are Dunkin Donuts

8:00 Gossip Girl! Teacher, mother, secret lover. Urge to kill fading . . . fading . . . fading . . . rising! Fading . . . Gone.

Eew, S and Lonely Boy use Myspace instead of Facebook. What gives?

Also, did you know that Elanor Waldorf is also Jeff Goldblum’s ex-wife from Independence Day?

8:04 “The most exclusive club in New York, which means the world.” Oh, Blair. Such a New Yorker.

I still don’t understand when Nelly Yuki got herself a spot on the steps, so to speak. Wasn’t she just a pawn in one of Blair’s wacky schemes last season?

8:07 Hey, Boston makes an appearance in Gossip Girl! Do you think anyone watching has any idea where Dorchester is?

8:08 Serena! Doing the right thing! Dumping Aaron’s ass! Dan! Doing the right thing! Going in for the smooch! Love’s completely real, so forget anything that you’ve heard!

During the commercial break, I’ve been thinking about the unceremoniousness of Aaron’s downfall. I think as a viewer who’s had to put up with his smarmy, D-baggy affect and gross semi-stache for however many episodes, I deserved more than just an off-screen breakup. Where’s the blood?

8:13 Hmm, so it wasn’t a smashmortion that Lily is hiding. Good to know.

8:15 “I’m not Little J anymore,” she goes. Is Jenny going to become a Met-steps vigilante? I hope so!

8:17 Rufus pulls a wicked CB on Dan and Serena, playing the “this is my home” card. Way to take out your own frustrations on your kid.

I simultaneously love and hate the look of this Jack Bass character. The fact that Chuck is smiling leads me to believe that we’re in store for some Bass family hi-jinks. I mean, he’s got Chuck’s youthful good looks, and, presumably, Bart’s cutthroat style. I feel like putting Jack in this show is like throwing a wolverine in a shark tank. Can you say “ding ding ding”?

8:24 Serena is nine times hotter than Dan. Perceptive, J. Perceptive. Also, did the costume designer put Rufus in a lame turtleneck because he’s acting like a lamewad?

826 “I was surprised too. That’s not entirely true.” Oh, Blair. Such a . . . Blair.

Now that Blair brings it up, isn’t it weird that Chuck still has to live with Serena and Lily and Eric? That’s like, his home.

8:29 The tables belong to everyone, Jenny says. She’s like a cross between Giuseppe Garibaldi, Lenin, and like, Mylie Cyrus.

8:31 Don’t those burlesque dancers think it’s weird that their place of employment is owned by a 17-year-old kid, who leers at them from the front row?

8:32 If you think I’m not rewinding to see if my neighborhood is on that Boston map, you’re fooling yourself!

8:35 So close! It’s a map of the Financial District. I’m a few inches up on the other side of the fold. Also, I think there are more homeless shelters in that part of time than child services facilities. Whatevs. And no, I’m not calling the number.

8:37 Because he knows that Rufus was in Boston, Dan knows that he wasn’t looking for an artist or a sculptor. Is that a dig?

Oh wait . . . is the Gossip Girl spin-off going to involve Rufus and Lily’s love child and take place in Boston somehow? I would die. My heart would stop, and I would die.

8:39 Chuck uses “hoi polloi” and “Dickensian” in consecutive sentences. Good man.

Duh! How could I not have realized the incest angle behind Rufus and Lily’s Bostonian love child?! Where the hell is this show going?

8:44 Why do I have a bad feeling that I’m going to start watching Bromance?

8:46 Hey, Blair just did the right thing and didn’t throw every one of her friends under the bus.

8:48 Hey, Eric has the same text message alert as me. Cool.

8:52 I feel like this rooftop balancing act by Chuck is beyond a reasonable suspension of disbelief. I’m out of the narrative.

8:57 You know, Blair, you probably can’t trust Jack. He’s the shiftiest guy on this show since Aaron.